Self doubt runs rampant in all of us at some point in our life. It bashes down the front door of our ego, stomps and smashes our reserves, and leaves us feeling utterly vulnerable. The worst part of this? When one room of our life has been torn apart by self doubt, it seems to spread through the rest of the house. The images and belief we have about our self are all of a sudden spattered with question marks.
I often ask myself how we let this happen. It does seem to be that we give it permission in some form. Perhaps, not with the front door that it bashes through, but as it continues to wage destruction throughout our reserves. Yet, it seems that we aren’t even aware that it is happening, until it has stomped on through. When we try and stop the unravelling of our life tapestry, it is like trying to plug a dam with a sponge.
The destruction of self doubt runs rampant through our life. When I feel that I am making no difference at work, I come home and feel pretty inadequate there too. The ‘home’ room takes the heaviest beating as it seems to be at the centre of the destruction. It is the place we come back to with our deepest thoughts and feelings to lay them naked before us.
We are encouraged to not bring the heaviness of our day home. To have a point outside your home that you ‘hang’ all the problems of the day on. This frees you to come to your family and be unburdened. Some days, this is achievable. At times, the burdens might come out in a quick release and then be forgotten for a time. Other days, they are just so damn heavy, that you don’t even remember to remove them before entering inside.
I have found that this global crisis sure has brought on a lot of self-reflection. It seems that some appeared to flounder a bit at the beginning, not sure what to do with themselves. However, they very quickly and easily found a way to get stronger through this isolation. Once they had stockpiled enough toilet paper of course… So many found release through exercise at home, through starting new projects, spending all that delicious time with their pets. Some may have even tried to start learning a language, completing online courses etc. Living the dream life of working from home at your own pace and in tracky pants! or no pants.
I have found, unfortunately, my self doubt has bloomed in this time. Watered by too much time to reflect on projects started that have yet to see any fruit. Watered by my extraordinary ability to see how much another has to offer, and yet not be able to see it offered within myself. This is particularly surrounding our attempt at building up Two Souls Photography.
Now I am not an insecure person. I just always thought it was a quality to question yourself and make sure you are in the right. To question whether you had any right to have an ego about something, to parade around and be proud. That’s why I don’t sing in front of others, despite my love for singing along to favourite songs. It has never been fully confirmed, except by my gorgeous younger siblings, that my singing voice is one that wants to be heard en masse. And so, I am confined to belt out tunes in ‘Alan’ our car while driving to and from work.
Don’t get me wrong. Being proud and confident is such a great character trait! I admire and encourage it in those around me. I love to see men and women with confidence and joy sharing something they are passionate about. My husband, who has so much within himself and so much potential does not let self doubt creep up. If it does, he quickly confronts it and kicks it outside. I try and promote it in my siblings and parents, particularly my mom and sisters who are such beautiful artists but are peppered with self-doubt too. On a good day, I am untethered and free like sunlight. But I struggle incredibly to do it for myself at times of discomfort and not at full strength. And I look around and see it in many around me too…
Amazingly, we always still think it’s only ourselves that have this inadequacy. How much simpler life would be if we realised we share it together. We share in the insecurity, the destruction of self doubt, that gnawing feeling of ‘I’m not enough’ and are often looking to others for validation. Not surprisingly, we will often receive that validation freely, but still feel the emptiness remaining where our own validation is needed.
Now, if you have made it this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I promise this is going somewhere.
I am not a skilled writer. I don’t use fancy words. Not because I’m trying to leave it open to a greater audience, no. Rather I don’t have them in my vocabulary to be able to use, and so my writing is extremely simple. But it comes from a place of utter sincerity. I write to keep our beloved website active. I write to share some of my thoughts if I can make sense of them enough to turn into words. And I write, hopefully to bring you something in your day.
Do I wish my writing could go even further than a little tab on our website? Absolutely. Am I realistic about these things? 100%. Will it go further than this website: absolutely not. Do I mind? not anymore.
My greatest concern, is that my husband’s passion and hard work, everything he has dedicated into this little business of ours will go to waste because I am not more of a networker/promoter. I am not a good friend, and don’t have a strong network of friends. A large part due to a lack of time and effort into the friendship. I would like to think that because I can’t physically give myself 100% to each person, I prefer to not give any percentage and risk being fake. I’ll go more into this on another post. I do want to send out an explanation/apology to those that have needed it a long time ago.
Back to the point. We continue to build up this business, and have been for a time now. We know that this area is heavily saturated with others trying to do the same. Yet, I do feel we have something special to offer, and hope that this will become more evident as we journey along this road. I don’t think we have found our niche yet, it’s a tough market out there! But whether you guys are waiting for it or not, our day is coming soon.
I admitted to Geoffrey, not too long ago, that I hadn’t thought this business would grow to where it has. I presented this idea as a hobby to try and take his mind away from his full-time job. And he ran with the idea and together (mostly him) we have built up this name for ourselves. It may only be the name at the moment, with a website, but our day is coming. The destruction of self doubt that we weren’t anything special nearly made a mark on our confidence. However, with Geoffrey’s determination and passion, and my own wake-up call and dreaming, we are getting back on track!
I’m still peppered with self-doubt, I think far too much about too many things. But I am so ready to make a mark with this life we have! I have a lot to make up for. A lot of time wasted wondering ‘what if’. Thankfully, there’s no better time than now to break the balls of this self-doubt and tell it to get out of my house!
I hope you find the strength to do the same x